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life has definantly changed. [Oct. 13th, 2010|04:04 pm]
Adrienne
Looking back on these entries puts things into perspective. i REALLY REALLY tried to make it work with Z. I was blaming myself too much for the problems in our relationship, but really i wasn't the problem. He was. If he really had wanted us to be together we would've been. We have now been OFFICIALLY  broken up since Sept. 10,2010. In Dec/Jan we decided to "take a break" but we still acted like we were together. We did everything a couple does, i had "moved" to my moms but we were still emailing/calling each other and i would stay there for a week and than he'd come pick us up and stay at his parents for like a week or two. we weren't really broken up. i thought we were back together when i came to live back here with him. i thought we were working things out. but he still wouldn't tell me he loved me unless i said it first. that was the first sign to me. Than he started talking to HER again. Sarah his EX that he only dated for like 3 weeks. The girl that "broke his heart" because she didnt like him more than a friend. but according to him he "never fully got over her" and "never fully gave his love to me" all i can say to that is WHAAAT THE F*CK! we were together for 5 years and have 2 kids!!! you couldn't tell me that crap BEFORE we had kids??!!?? and why the f*ck did you keep telling me you loved me and wanted to end up with me? i know we were young and sh*t when we got together and i could see us breaking up because neither of us really got to "explore" or have experience in very many relationships. that is what we said in Jan. but him telling me he still loves another woman? that sh*t i will never forget. possibly never forgive. that sealed are fate that we will never get back together. however much my heart aches not being with him he just broke my heart to much. i don't think us getting back together will ever be an option anyways because he just flat out doesn't want me. not that i really want him back. why would i want someone who doesn't think about anyone but himself. he left me for a crush. for real. I'm just waiting for her to break his heart again because if she didn't like him than why would she like him now? really i do hope they get together and date. just so he can see her for what she is not the romanticized crush version he has of her. he thinks shes soooo perfect when in reality she has slept around, left her (now ex)fiancee twice and that she leaves her son just to go flirt with another woman's man. well obviously they are A LOT alike. both super selfish. they deserve each other. they can go be miserable together because they both just lost their families.

its really hard for me to understand how someone could give up their family so easily. he doesn't think about his children at all. the only times he sees them is when he comes here to wash his clothes and get on the computer. even when he is here he just sees them between computer breaks. maybe play with Bella for like 5 min and hold Ocean when i have to do something.
so he will be here for an entire day but spend hours upon hours on the computer (talking to his friends and HER) and minutes on his children.
who do you think he cares about more?
obviously he definitely doesn't give a shit about my feelings since I've asked him not to talk to HER while he was here and he flat out said NO.
we've only been broken up for a month! I'm still heartbroken and he cant even respect me enough for that? he sees her all the time but cant NOT talk to her for a day? 5 years really mean that little to him?
im the mother of his children and i take care of those children 24/7. i feel so disrespected and that our whole relationship was a lie.

i always thought he was a good guy and wouldn't hurt me. all i wanted was for him to grow up WITH me. be the man i know he could be. he just didn't want to grow up and still hasn't. after knowing all this I'm still having to tell me heart to stop aching and my stomach to stop going in knots when he is around. to stop caring what he is doing and who he's doing it with. i just want to be happy and have a PARTNER to be happy with. someone cares about me as much as i care for them. someone to grow old with.

i feel so bad that my kids are having to go through this. mostly for Bella because she knows what she is missing. she just wants her daddy here. she asks for him all the time. i hope he will at least be the father that they need him to be.so far he comes by every week. i just hope he still does that when i have my own place. hope he doesn't become a dad that only sees them once or twice a year. they need him.
Linktell me a tale

wow... [Jan. 28th, 2010|01:16 am]
Adrienne
[i feel |anxiousanxious]

I am really going to be a mother of two in 10 days...probably less...CRAZY....and im only 21....DOUBLE CRAZY!!
Linktell me a tale

all i want... [Jan. 19th, 2010|07:23 am]
Adrienne
[Tags|]
[current place of hiding |home?]
[i feel |thoughtfuljust thinking again.]

i just want to be happy. end of story.

i hope when i'm eighty years old looking back on my life I know that i was happy and light can come through darkness.
I want to remember the fun times i had with friends in high school.
I want Z and my story to end up happy where we can say  "yeah we met in high school but look at us going 60 years strong"
I want to be an epic love story.
not a tragic one.
I want to remeber my babies as just that babies.
I want to remeber soccer games and helping with home work.
I want to see my kids excel.
especially at being nice, friendly, and happy.

I dont need to be rich.
houses and cars wont make me happy.
neither will being skinny or pretty.
they might help in the moment but those aren't the parts i want to think of when i think of life.
i want to think of the passion i have for Z to be remebered.
I want to remeber being proud of my kids and of Z.
I wan to be remebered as a good mom.
and a good wife.
and a best friend.

life is too short so i want every memory to either be happy or help to the happiness.
i hope these hard times will help to being happy.
not just for me but for Bella, Ocean, and especially Z.
I know Z has other best friends and that i should too but i still want us to be best friends.
because lovers should be.
parents should be.

i dont ever want to hate Z or the life i have with him.
i dont hate the life i've had with him.
i adore it.
as long as the stuff right now changes and we do end up together.
stronger than ever.
than i'll be happy.

i dont want my memories of life to have Z only in it as a lover for 4 years.
he of course would be in my memories as the father of my children.
but i want him to be more.
he is more.
i dont want that to change.
i just want our life to be different than it is now.
i dont want to cry when i think of our "status"
i dont want to be single.
i want to be married.
married to Z.

i want him to want that too.
i want him to know he CAN be happy and CAN have fun being with me.
being married to me.

happiness the end goal.
thats what i strive for and thats what gets me through the day.
Linktell me a tale

dang [Jan. 17th, 2010|02:49 am]
Adrienne
[i feel |contemplativei think to much]

im glad nobody actually reads these anymore.
i can write and not have to worry what other people think.
putting shit on paper just helps me sort through shit.

not to mention i dont think anyone even cares about my crappy life...
Linktell me a tale

gosh why do i do this to myself?? [Jan. 17th, 2010|02:18 am]
Adrienne
[current place of hiding |i have no home...not without him]
[i feel |exhausteddrained...]

i just cant quit him...
its like im a fucking addict...
i cant help but get my hopes up everytime he's just nice to me...
i mean i know it doesnt help the fact that he still wants to hug, kiss, and uh uh you know with me...
he just makes it so much harder for me...

everytime we talk about this stuff i end up crying and he always says we'll end up back together...
but its like he wants to have his cake and eat it too...

like he wants me to act like his girlfriend physically but he wants to be able to talk to other girls (which i already know he does)
and he wants to be able to go party all night (and day)
and have me not "nag" him to come home...
but i am getting the raw end of the deal considering he's leaving Bella with me to watch and even if i wanted to go somewhere i can't since i dont drive....
so all i can do is TRY to not get my hopes up (yeah right)
and somehow accept that he's talking to other girls (never gunna happen)
and just sit at home worrying and wondering what he's doing and when he'll be home.

i guess me going to stay at my mom's might emotionally help me not get my hopes up and atleast i wont have this crap flaunted in my face but again i get the SHITTY end of the deal...
wanna know why?
because me going to my mom's means this:
I am going to be living in the middle of nowhere,
with no cell phone service,
no internet,
no cable,
and I am going to be taking care of my 18 month old daughter and my NEWBORN son who i'll be breastfeeding...
not to mention i'll have a tiny ass room that has spiders and its going to be freaking COLD since my mom just has propane for heat...
the only other human contact i'll have is with my SUPER CATHOLIC REPUBLICAN family...
who i pretty much share NO views with...
not to mention i'm going to have to explain this whole messy ordeal to.
probably a million times....
i know i'm going to cry soooo much.

the hardest part is that i know i love him and DO want to end up wth him...
my family is sooo not going to get that...
they wont get any of this....

HELL I DONT!!

gosh i dont know how my life got to this shitty point.


pretty much the next couple of months he's going to get to party, drink, screw, and be a 21 year old bachlor who doesnt have to worry about  his kids....

and i get to be a 21 year old single mother of 2 that lives in the middle of nowhere...no partying or even talking to people other than family.

which life would you chose??

but all i know is that i cant live without my kids....i cant hardly stand being away from Bella for more than a few hours...months? NEVER. even after all this shit i wouldnt trade it with anything because i love my girl SOO much and though i havent even met him yet this little boy inside me has SOOOO much love from me, he's my little angel.

all i can do in the end is hope Z realizes what he's losing....
because though i do want to be with him i cant wait forever...
my heart might be broken just too much...
my trust in him is already strained past what  most people could take....
i just dont know how much more i can deal with....
things have to change...
it just HAS to get better...
Linktell me a tale

life sucks...boys are mean... [Dec. 27th, 2009|09:20 pm]
Adrienne
[current place of hiding |home...but not for much longer...]
[i feel |gloomyheatbroken]

so yup pretty much completely right about everything...im probably going to go live with my mom after the baby is born...for a while at least...hopefully no more than a few months...i cant believe this is my life.....a single mom of 2 at 21...i adore my babies though, wouldn't change anything beacuse than i wouldnt have them...but i dont deny i wish we were older when we had them...i hope Z gets his act together and decides he wants his family...but than again im not waiting around forever...when he decides i hope i still want to be with him...because i've taken alot of crap...dont know if i can take much more...
Linktell me a tale

wow...the good, bad, and ugly.... [Oct. 31st, 2009|03:36 am]
Adrienne
[Tags|]
[current place of hiding |home/ zs parent house]
[i feel |worriedjust ugh...]

i havent written in a looooonnnngggg time....
just to catch up....

Bella's 14 months walking, running, climbing, and getting into EVERYTHING...nothings safe....
super physical little girl...not much of a talker yet but she's still young....

ALSO i'm 6 months pregnant with a BOY at least thats what the doc said....

im also working (at walmart) which is tough being preggo but i gotta cuz Z doesnt have a job....
he watchs Bella though....

we moved out for like 4 months but were back at Zs parents cuz Zs work situation and the fact that we had a dead beat roomate aka Zs brother....
money pretty much did us in....
now we sleep on an air mattress in the living room....
Bella sleeps with us because her crib is in the storage unit...
doesnt give Z and i much alone time...which is a bit of an issue....

well theres a lot of issues really...

the main reason im writing is cuz i need to rant....

I love Z but i think maybe i've grown so much as a person that i've passed him maturity wise...
really i feel like a middle-aged woman...WAYYY too old than what i should feel....
but thats not his fault...

in other ways i feel really young and maybe like our relationship is doomed because of it....
i mean he is the only serious boyfriend i've ever had...not to mention the only one ive ever BEEN with....
it doesnt really bother me that much but its like i know most people who get in relationships this young are generally doomed to end in divorce or an affair....
that and i KNOW he feels like he still wants to "explore" and be young...

for the last year i've wondered why he wont just get a justice of the peace wedding with me until we could afford a real one....
i think i know now...
its because he doesnt want to be tied to me and that at some point he doesnt want to be with me...
so we dont have to go through legal stuff...
of cause he hasnt said any of this to me but i can feel it....
he just feels sorry for me, that i woulldnt have any where to go, that we also have the the babies, and that he would just feel bad about leaving me...
those are the only reasons he's with me....
in my bones i can feel it....
and it feels horrible...

i almost want to be like if you dont want me than just say so but...
i do love him and i dont want to be a single mom whose kids barely see there dad and whos alone because she still loves him and cant go "be young" because she has to work and be a single mom....
i dont know how life would be without him...
maybe if it was just me and Bella i could survive but its not... theres an unborn baby to worry about too...
im just scared and waiting for the day were he either says "i've found someone else" or is just like "BYE"....
i think if we did split up though that after he gets all the "young exploring" out that he would come back, but thats not a sure thing...

it feels like if he leaves im just going to be a pining old maid whose life is all work and kids.

im not even sure if he loves me anymore....

i lay awake at night worrying about this stuff...

i should be so happy and excited about this new baby but i cant be because the future of me and Z is so uncertain.....
Link1 tale|tell me a tale

Pics of Bella [Apr. 6th, 2009|09:53 pm]
Adrienne
[i feel |contentcontent]



      


 
Linktell me a tale

just a little update... [Apr. 6th, 2009|09:41 pm]
Adrienne
[current place of hiding |home with bella]
[i feel |contentcontent]
[i hear |bella playing]

well i dont know if anyone still gets on here but just in case here is a little update....
Isabella is 8 months know....shes got a BIG personality...
shes crawling EVERYWHERE and getting in to EVERYTHING....

i think shes aspires to be a puppy...
shes always chases our dog Lady,
trying to get into Lady's food,
trying to play with Lady's toys,
and everything...

she is pulling herself up on everythnig, and constantly almost giving me a heart attack...

she is getting smarter everyday...she figures out how to get stuff and get around stuff...just constantly learning...

I dont go ANYWHERE without her...shes very attached to me...

i really dont get anytime for me...which pretty much comes with the territory...

but i love her sooooo much...unless your a parent you cant understand the amount of love....

she IS my life....
Linktell me a tale

super update! [Oct. 4th, 2008|10:07 am]
Adrienne
[Tags|]
[i feel |tiredtired]


well i havent posted in a while....
well nothing really eventful happened...
well there was this one thing...
i had a baby...
nothing too exciting....
who am i kidding its SUPER  EXCITING!
hehe...

Isabella Phoenix Torres was born August 7 at 5:51pm

i TOTALLY recommend an epidural...FO REAL!!!

Well she's almost 2 months old...
shes doing fabulous...
perfect...

im breastfeeding....
which is ok my boobs/nips hurt but thats a bit too much info isnt it...

we are still trying to perfect the whole sleeping at night thing....
 heres some pics of the cutest baby EVER!










Linktell me a tale

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